Bitched Out...The same ol' same ol'

How many times do I need to be bitched out at home?

I have no man.
I'm getting old.
I have no common sense.
I don't take initiatives.
I have no ambitions.
I'm a loser.
You know. The usual.

Should I be glad she doesn't have any new ammo?

I suck so much at life, maybe I shouldn't try so hard at keeping it.

Maybe it's time to go. But, truth will always be the truth no matter where I go. The price of illusions and delusions is but the rent.

My whole life, I live to validate something or other. So afraid of disapproval. So afraid of disappointing someone else. I might have had a great childhood. Who knows. I don't remember it. All I remember are times I was stricken with fear of not being good enough. Now I know that the uncomfortableness I felt in my chest for days on end every once in awhile was anxiety. I've been trained to fear failure. When I don't have something to validate a success, anxiety hits hard.

validation
success
approval

23 years of bullshit "encouragement". 23 years of being caged inside the confines of someone else's expectations. She thinks she's the only person with no outlet. There are volumes of words I would never speak to her because I am so afraid of what she might say and think of me.

I wonder if she knows her words hurt me deeply. Perhaps she knows and it was her motivation for speaking them.

She has driven me hard to do many things that amount to nothing. I wonder if she'll drive me to do something that sends me to nothingness.

Who am I kidding? I'm the one with the license. I'll drive over the cliff myself.