Don't Have Anything To Say To Me

WHY do I do this to myself? WHY DO I DO THIS TO HIM?!

seems like I just HAVE to win. Once I get started on that one-track mindset, I can't stop. I don't even know what happens until it's too late.

Sometimes perseverance is rewarded with triumph

Sometimes it's not worth winning or even continuing.

He said "I have nothing to say to you"

My heart. seems so far away. floating further in an ocean of regret.
Why do I constantly flounder in these waters?

why

why am i so stupid

again. holding on to what. to what?!

living in a fantasy is dangerous. reality only crashes down harder the higher i try to fly in my dreams

everything in life has been a dream...an unreality...

reality hurts too much...but dreams kill

What is the point?

it's like talking to a fictional character in my own story

what we have is a figment of my own delusions

loyalty and obligations to what?

what parts are lies? why do i believe in anything at all? what hope am i holding on to by believing anything that was said? why do i hope?

how dare i hope

Bitched Out...The same ol' same ol'

How many times do I need to be bitched out at home?

I have no man.
I'm getting old.
I have no common sense.
I don't take initiatives.
I have no ambitions.
I'm a loser.
You know. The usual.

Should I be glad she doesn't have any new ammo?

I suck so much at life, maybe I shouldn't try so hard at keeping it.

Maybe it's time to go. But, truth will always be the truth no matter where I go. The price of illusions and delusions is but the rent.

My whole life, I live to validate something or other. So afraid of disapproval. So afraid of disappointing someone else. I might have had a great childhood. Who knows. I don't remember it. All I remember are times I was stricken with fear of not being good enough. Now I know that the uncomfortableness I felt in my chest for days on end every once in awhile was anxiety. I've been trained to fear failure. When I don't have something to validate a success, anxiety hits hard.

validation
success
approval

23 years of bullshit "encouragement". 23 years of being caged inside the confines of someone else's expectations. She thinks she's the only person with no outlet. There are volumes of words I would never speak to her because I am so afraid of what she might say and think of me.

I wonder if she knows her words hurt me deeply. Perhaps she knows and it was her motivation for speaking them.

She has driven me hard to do many things that amount to nothing. I wonder if she'll drive me to do something that sends me to nothingness.

Who am I kidding? I'm the one with the license. I'll drive over the cliff myself.

SO MIFF'D!!!

So today my aunt bitched about me to my mom. What for?!

My aunt and uncle came over before and was going thru my unopened mail asking a million questions!! I'm like...It's mine. It's from Stuy. From Stuy. FROM STUY!!!! They weren't even listening! I haven't opened it yet so I can't even tell them what it's about, not that it's their business anyway. So, I took it off the table and was like "It's mine" and I put it on my desk.

Then they sat down on the couch. My copies of my tax returns from the accountant is on the couch on the far end away from them. My uncles reaches over the volumes of photo albums (no joke) and a mountain of random things and SCRUTINIZES my taxes. MY TAXES!!! We all use the same accountant so they know what the manilla envelopes from the guy look like. The amount you owe or get back are written right on top for ease of viewing...BY THE PERSON TO WHOM TO THE TAXES BELONG!!! The two separate tax form envelops are bound with a rubberband. He's inspecting the first one. And I'm glaring at him not 3 feet away. Then he PEELS back the first one to analyze the second one!!!! So I take it back and say "O. These are just my taxes."

This happened before I left for work. Some time later when my mom goes to my aunt's house, my aunt starts bitching. "God. I don't know what her problem is. Even her uncle said she has a real fucking temper. She just snatched it out of his hands!"

1. You use the word fuck in the middle of a description of my temper. Whose temper sucks now?!!?!!?
2. I did NOT raise my voice or disrespect them. When and where did they see this temper supposedly flare up?
3. I snatched it?! I took it from his hands. I didn't SNATCH it. And even if I did...MY PERSONAL TAX INFORMATION!!!!!

My mom just kind of smiled at her and walked away. She already knows what kind of people the two of them are. NOSY.

The two of them don't know how big of hypocrites they are. They complain about other people being nosy but they're nosier than everyone else!!!!

My mom knows my temper. It's not fantab. But she also knows they are nosier than I am tempermental.

So my mom starts ranting about them to me after I told her what happened today (I was still pissed HOURS after it happened). My mom was like "Of course they're going to look! They were all suspicious and jealous when you got me that ring and wanted to go shop for LV bags on my birthday last week."

1. My MOTHER. Her 50TH birthday. I'm gonna do it big.
2. I didn't care to go to the LV store. My mom had planned to go even before her birthday because she knew she was getting a tax refund. I would have paid for whatever she wanted if she actually saw something she liked. She didn't so nothing was even purchased.
3. It's my MOTHER. WTF. My relationship with her is always always going to be different from my relationship with my aunt. There is no question.

So what's REALLY good, son?!