And look at where I am now...

Looks like J- and I are friends...

I mean I never doubted that she's a cool girl...but there was too much drama in my head to let that be true...

But hey....since we ARE friends now, then that can only mean one thing...the drama in my head is drama no mo'!

Yea I think this means that I've really let go of whatever stupid thing I was holding on to...The tiniest things revolving around D- would set me off. As long I stayed away from it all it was ok. But there are only so many things I can avoid.

And now look at where I am...A better person because I am a friend =)

7 hrs

Everyone knows I'm not a big phone person. The only person I ever call just to chat is probably my mom. Mostly because if I don't, then I get asked why I never call home. But sometimes I want to call home, too.

But damn...seven hours on the phone on a Sunday night. With Johnny. That's the first time we've ever actually had a conversation on the phone. It was nice.

When we were disconnected I called back. When he had to go, he called me back. When my phone died, he left me a voicemail.

I called him when I realized he was the one on the unfamiliar screenname and messing with me. I finally got him to mess up. He also messed up my name. But I corrected him. Hahaha I think he's got it now.

But it was nice. Just chatting away. Listening to him talk. He's got a nice voice. It was incredibly nice to hear him talk and laugh.

Nice is definitely a great way to pass seven hours.

AGAIN?! I thought all this was over with...

Why has he permeated my dreams again?

It was all very odd. Sophia Luu was there, Lian was there…and I’m not sure who else. It was some kind of school event or something. I was there. We had to go down a set of stairs. It was really crowded. It was sort of outside, kind of like the 6 train at the municipal building. There was something about me being in the Navy. Like a Navy reserve and I was really tough and some guys were really impressed. Either way…

We were going down the stairs and I see D-’s braided head (even though I know he cut his hair off already). I do my “I don’t see him” thing because why would I give him that satisfaction? Was I trying to look like I didn’t or was I trying to look like I am pretending to not see him? I’m not sure. I think the desired effect is a cross between the two because it makes him wonder therefore he’ll think about me and also because I’m not sure which effect I want myself. The glance happened twice. He was with HER, J-. She, of course, ignores me. I don’t care. He sees me the first time but I look away. The second time he makes the effort to say hi. I go over to him and he gives me a hug and kisses me on the lips with a little flick of the tongue. I am aware that Lian is there and she finally sees who D- is. Aware that other people are watching and we are in a massive crowd, and especially aware that SHE’s there, I kiss him back but I make sure it’s a deep kiss. We make small talk I think. As a sort of I forgive you, I tell him an early happy birthday. He tells me “Yea, it was on the 29^th” and I thought he was testing me because I know it’s on the 25^th that has not come yet. He didn’t look like he was testing me so I let it go. We get to the end of where we were supposed to be and apparently it was a basketball game. He tells me “It’s just you. There’s no one else. I promise. It’s just you and me.” He kisses my hand goodbye and I lick his finger and he does a double take and smiles. I don’t think I actually see his face at any point after the initial hello. Was this just the nature of dreams or was it more that once I stopped caring about what people were saying and it was just the two of us that I was concerned with it became more about what we were doing and feeling. We don’t want to let each other go. Our fingers are locked. I think there was hope of something that made the moment longer. He told me he’s playing and that I should get good seats. SHE was already looking for one and I look at the line in front of me and I see that it’s not that long so I’m not even going to worry about fighting for seats with HER. I kiss him goodbye and I go back with my friends. I wake up disappointed.

Wait what?

I'm not sure why I still have this up...I only created it to post on my BFF's blogspot while she was in Europe...and she's been back and have graduated...I'm actually in her new apartment right now...She's rather set in life for at least the next two years while I hide behind the college experience for another year

But it's been over a year since I last posted and I feel it's time to post again here since I have nothing much to say on xanga, where no one reads it much like no one reads this but here, I feel a little more anonymous...just the nature of the different blogs sites...this is all besides the point

I read what I wrote and I'm instantly ashamed of my emotions...the weakness

Well, to update on "emotions" and whatnot...I would like to think I'm stronger

or at least I'm making an attempt to seem that way if not to other people then at least to myself...whatever gets me through the day in one piece instead of pieces wasted on tissues and pillow cases

The Guy Situation:
I've taken JBeach's advice...Love like a man..or rather treat relationships like one..if it's not set in stone then don't act like it is...this is not to say that men are heartless and don't care or whatever stereotype you think I'm alluding to...I know plenty of guys that are all heart...but let's just be a little ignorant/simpleminded right now to make my blogging a little simpler...hell, to make labeling things simpler because that's all that I'm doing really at the moment

So I'm following a few paths right now...or rather, I have yet to choose a road and am keeping the fork in sight while I peer down each option...my options do not include any certainties so perhaps that's what keeps me from moving down any of them...love with security

hahaha

right.

I don't believe there is a sure thing but I'd like to believe there might be but I'm just too stupid to know where to look for it

I may be standing here at this fork in the road for quite a long time...come take a seat with me or maybe just drop a piece of advice along your way...