So who remembers this?
yea...I found love. I love my boyfriend. The best part is, he loves me back =)
The lyrics to that song...SO cheesy but so fitting for what we have. He's amazing. I'm so lucking I have him.
There are no words to accurately describe how I feel about him but I absolutely love love love looooooove him.
=)
Thursday, September 02, 2010
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Don't Have Anything To Say To Me
WHY do I do this to myself? WHY DO I DO THIS TO HIM?!
seems like I just HAVE to win. Once I get started on that one-track mindset, I can't stop. I don't even know what happens until it's too late.
Sometimes perseverance is rewarded with triumph
Sometimes it's not worth winning or even continuing.
He said "I have nothing to say to you"
My heart. seems so far away. floating further in an ocean of regret.
Why do I constantly flounder in these waters?
seems like I just HAVE to win. Once I get started on that one-track mindset, I can't stop. I don't even know what happens until it's too late.
Sometimes perseverance is rewarded with triumph
Sometimes it's not worth winning or even continuing.
He said "I have nothing to say to you"
My heart. seems so far away. floating further in an ocean of regret.
Why do I constantly flounder in these waters?
Thursday, May 14, 2009
why
why am i so stupid
again. holding on to what. to what?!
living in a fantasy is dangerous. reality only crashes down harder the higher i try to fly in my dreams
everything in life has been a dream...an unreality...
reality hurts too much...but dreams kill
again. holding on to what. to what?!
living in a fantasy is dangerous. reality only crashes down harder the higher i try to fly in my dreams
everything in life has been a dream...an unreality...
reality hurts too much...but dreams kill
Sunday, April 12, 2009
What is the point?
it's like talking to a fictional character in my own story
what we have is a figment of my own delusions
loyalty and obligations to what?
what parts are lies? why do i believe in anything at all? what hope am i holding on to by believing anything that was said? why do i hope?
how dare i hope
what we have is a figment of my own delusions
loyalty and obligations to what?
what parts are lies? why do i believe in anything at all? what hope am i holding on to by believing anything that was said? why do i hope?
how dare i hope
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Bitched Out...The same ol' same ol'
How many times do I need to be bitched out at home?
I have no man.
I'm getting old.
I have no common sense.
I don't take initiatives.
I have no ambitions.
I'm a loser.
You know. The usual.
Should I be glad she doesn't have any new ammo?
I suck so much at life, maybe I shouldn't try so hard at keeping it.
Maybe it's time to go. But, truth will always be the truth no matter where I go. The price of illusions and delusions is but the rent.
My whole life, I live to validate something or other. So afraid of disapproval. So afraid of disappointing someone else. I might have had a great childhood. Who knows. I don't remember it. All I remember are times I was stricken with fear of not being good enough. Now I know that the uncomfortableness I felt in my chest for days on end every once in awhile was anxiety. I've been trained to fear failure. When I don't have something to validate a success, anxiety hits hard.
validation
success
approval
23 years of bullshit "encouragement". 23 years of being caged inside the confines of someone else's expectations. She thinks she's the only person with no outlet. There are volumes of words I would never speak to her because I am so afraid of what she might say and think of me.
I wonder if she knows her words hurt me deeply. Perhaps she knows and it was her motivation for speaking them.
She has driven me hard to do many things that amount to nothing. I wonder if she'll drive me to do something that sends me to nothingness.
Who am I kidding? I'm the one with the license. I'll drive over the cliff myself.
I have no man.
I'm getting old.
I have no common sense.
I don't take initiatives.
I have no ambitions.
I'm a loser.
You know. The usual.
Should I be glad she doesn't have any new ammo?
I suck so much at life, maybe I shouldn't try so hard at keeping it.
Maybe it's time to go. But, truth will always be the truth no matter where I go. The price of illusions and delusions is but the rent.
My whole life, I live to validate something or other. So afraid of disapproval. So afraid of disappointing someone else. I might have had a great childhood. Who knows. I don't remember it. All I remember are times I was stricken with fear of not being good enough. Now I know that the uncomfortableness I felt in my chest for days on end every once in awhile was anxiety. I've been trained to fear failure. When I don't have something to validate a success, anxiety hits hard.
validation
success
approval
23 years of bullshit "encouragement". 23 years of being caged inside the confines of someone else's expectations. She thinks she's the only person with no outlet. There are volumes of words I would never speak to her because I am so afraid of what she might say and think of me.
I wonder if she knows her words hurt me deeply. Perhaps she knows and it was her motivation for speaking them.
She has driven me hard to do many things that amount to nothing. I wonder if she'll drive me to do something that sends me to nothingness.
Who am I kidding? I'm the one with the license. I'll drive over the cliff myself.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
SO MIFF'D!!!
So today my aunt bitched about me to my mom. What for?!
My aunt and uncle came over before and was going thru my unopened mail asking a million questions!! I'm like...It's mine. It's from Stuy. From Stuy. FROM STUY!!!! They weren't even listening! I haven't opened it yet so I can't even tell them what it's about, not that it's their business anyway. So, I took it off the table and was like "It's mine" and I put it on my desk.
Then they sat down on the couch. My copies of my tax returns from the accountant is on the couch on the far end away from them. My uncles reaches over the volumes of photo albums (no joke) and a mountain of random things and SCRUTINIZES my taxes. MY TAXES!!! We all use the same accountant so they know what the manilla envelopes from the guy look like. The amount you owe or get back are written right on top for ease of viewing...BY THE PERSON TO WHOM TO THE TAXES BELONG!!! The two separate tax form envelops are bound with a rubberband. He's inspecting the first one. And I'm glaring at him not 3 feet away. Then he PEELS back the first one to analyze the second one!!!! So I take it back and say "O. These are just my taxes."
This happened before I left for work. Some time later when my mom goes to my aunt's house, my aunt starts bitching. "God. I don't know what her problem is. Even her uncle said she has a real fucking temper. She just snatched it out of his hands!"
1. You use the word fuck in the middle of a description of my temper. Whose temper sucks now?!!?!!?
2. I did NOT raise my voice or disrespect them. When and where did they see this temper supposedly flare up?
3. I snatched it?! I took it from his hands. I didn't SNATCH it. And even if I did...MY PERSONAL TAX INFORMATION!!!!!
My mom just kind of smiled at her and walked away. She already knows what kind of people the two of them are. NOSY.
The two of them don't know how big of hypocrites they are. They complain about other people being nosy but they're nosier than everyone else!!!!
My mom knows my temper. It's not fantab. But she also knows they are nosier than I am tempermental.
So my mom starts ranting about them to me after I told her what happened today (I was still pissed HOURS after it happened). My mom was like "Of course they're going to look! They were all suspicious and jealous when you got me that ring and wanted to go shop for LV bags on my birthday last week."
1. My MOTHER. Her 50TH birthday. I'm gonna do it big.
2. I didn't care to go to the LV store. My mom had planned to go even before her birthday because she knew she was getting a tax refund. I would have paid for whatever she wanted if she actually saw something she liked. She didn't so nothing was even purchased.
3. It's my MOTHER. WTF. My relationship with her is always always going to be different from my relationship with my aunt. There is no question.
So what's REALLY good, son?!
My aunt and uncle came over before and was going thru my unopened mail asking a million questions!! I'm like...It's mine. It's from Stuy. From Stuy. FROM STUY!!!! They weren't even listening! I haven't opened it yet so I can't even tell them what it's about, not that it's their business anyway. So, I took it off the table and was like "It's mine" and I put it on my desk.
Then they sat down on the couch. My copies of my tax returns from the accountant is on the couch on the far end away from them. My uncles reaches over the volumes of photo albums (no joke) and a mountain of random things and SCRUTINIZES my taxes. MY TAXES!!! We all use the same accountant so they know what the manilla envelopes from the guy look like. The amount you owe or get back are written right on top for ease of viewing...BY THE PERSON TO WHOM TO THE TAXES BELONG!!! The two separate tax form envelops are bound with a rubberband. He's inspecting the first one. And I'm glaring at him not 3 feet away. Then he PEELS back the first one to analyze the second one!!!! So I take it back and say "O. These are just my taxes."
This happened before I left for work. Some time later when my mom goes to my aunt's house, my aunt starts bitching. "God. I don't know what her problem is. Even her uncle said she has a real fucking temper. She just snatched it out of his hands!"
1. You use the word fuck in the middle of a description of my temper. Whose temper sucks now?!!?!!?
2. I did NOT raise my voice or disrespect them. When and where did they see this temper supposedly flare up?
3. I snatched it?! I took it from his hands. I didn't SNATCH it. And even if I did...MY PERSONAL TAX INFORMATION!!!!!
My mom just kind of smiled at her and walked away. She already knows what kind of people the two of them are. NOSY.
The two of them don't know how big of hypocrites they are. They complain about other people being nosy but they're nosier than everyone else!!!!
My mom knows my temper. It's not fantab. But she also knows they are nosier than I am tempermental.
So my mom starts ranting about them to me after I told her what happened today (I was still pissed HOURS after it happened). My mom was like "Of course they're going to look! They were all suspicious and jealous when you got me that ring and wanted to go shop for LV bags on my birthday last week."
1. My MOTHER. Her 50TH birthday. I'm gonna do it big.
2. I didn't care to go to the LV store. My mom had planned to go even before her birthday because she knew she was getting a tax refund. I would have paid for whatever she wanted if she actually saw something she liked. She didn't so nothing was even purchased.
3. It's my MOTHER. WTF. My relationship with her is always always going to be different from my relationship with my aunt. There is no question.
So what's REALLY good, son?!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Life in between
yes...Dartmouth grads earn top dollars TEN years after graduating...F, man...I have bills to pay NOW...I have things I want to do @ NOW
and I am still unemployed...this fact may have come to be because I have not actually looked for a job yet. I'm working. I have a summer job. This was supposed to hold me over until I found a job meaning I would have made attempts at finding a job over the course of the 6 weeks I would be teaching in Brooklyn. Summer school ends this Friday and I haven't even gotten my resume in order. I kind of knew I wouldn't do anything I promised myself I would. It's just how I am.
I have no excuse now. The next two weeks MUST be devoted to finding a job. I had the excuse of "I have no internet at home." Borrowed internet did not count. I'm not sure why but in my head I needed an excuse. Now I have no more excuses as I had internet hooked up at home yesterday.
Plus this past week has really shown me that I need to be out of the house ASAP. Nothing I said or did was to the liking of my mother. I think she really is slipping into menopause because she was especially :::ROAR::: about her displeasure with my existence. While I would normally support a fellow female in her time of need and especially my mother, I think I really need to not be the hormonal punching bag for the sake and preservation of an otherwise great relationship I have with her. A job would get me out of the house at least a few hours of the day. A job would get of out of the nest, too. That would be nice.
So what has happened since the last entry?
I graduated. Dartmouth. A 4-year program in 5 years. Don't ask. I don't want to tell you lies and I don't want to repeat myself. Yes. Super senior. Now shut the fuck up. I'm hoping the Ivy League name will erase some of that shame. Then again, who the fack knows Dartmouth?
Many emotional ups and downs. Of course.
Lived the last term at Dartmouth with Dexter. That was definitely an experience. What a tease that experience was. I lived on my own (kind of) for 3 months. I wouldn't say it was liberating but it has definitely taught me more about living on my own than any of the last 4 years away from home at school. Working to make the rent. Grabbing hours left and right for grocery money. Spending wisely (or better attempts at doing so) so I can pay other bills. BUGS. I really fucking hate bugs. I hate NATURE bugs. City bugs I can deal with. Get some spray. Set some traps things. Keep the abode clean. But out in the F'ing boonies, bugs come no matter what. I can't even open a window when I'm cooking because that will attract a torrent of flies hoping to infect me with some grimy bacterial crap. And Spiders. Yes. Spiders with a capital S. NASTY shits. Man built shelter to keep nature at bay. New Hampshire didn't get that damn memo. I miss driving around "town" in my Corolla though. That baby is no longer mine. But it finally has NY plates for once in its life. Congrats, 'Rolla!
I turned 23. I've gotten to the point where I don't remember how old I am and I have to actually do that math to remember. This is rather sad. And while I love my girls, I needs me a man. I don't want to get old (like 30...yuck...so close now) and not have started a family. Do I want to starting popping out the first of my brood next week? No. Not that soon. But I need to get the prep stuff down. You know, the boyfriend...the engagement...the marriage...That stuff.
O yes. I need to get that PhD, too. I want to get started on that soonish. Not too too soon. I need a break from learning. And I also need to do research on what I need to do to get into some kind of program. I also need to know what program I want to get into. Hahaha! At the very least, I'm pretty sure I want to eventually work with children/youth and families. Counseling. I can definitely do that with an MSW but I want that PhD. I couldn't get through premed for med school but I WILL be a doctor, damnit!!! Plus I want the options (and the money...just to support my habits...you know, the spending and the spending without the stressing and stressing) that comes with a PhD.
So yes. That's it for now I think. My memory is terrible and I should update this and/or xanga so I can remember things that has happened. I just have to remember to update...
and I am still unemployed...this fact may have come to be because I have not actually looked for a job yet. I'm working. I have a summer job. This was supposed to hold me over until I found a job meaning I would have made attempts at finding a job over the course of the 6 weeks I would be teaching in Brooklyn. Summer school ends this Friday and I haven't even gotten my resume in order. I kind of knew I wouldn't do anything I promised myself I would. It's just how I am.
I have no excuse now. The next two weeks MUST be devoted to finding a job. I had the excuse of "I have no internet at home." Borrowed internet did not count. I'm not sure why but in my head I needed an excuse. Now I have no more excuses as I had internet hooked up at home yesterday.
Plus this past week has really shown me that I need to be out of the house ASAP. Nothing I said or did was to the liking of my mother. I think she really is slipping into menopause because she was especially :::ROAR::: about her displeasure with my existence. While I would normally support a fellow female in her time of need and especially my mother, I think I really need to not be the hormonal punching bag for the sake and preservation of an otherwise great relationship I have with her. A job would get me out of the house at least a few hours of the day. A job would get of out of the nest, too. That would be nice.
So what has happened since the last entry?
I graduated. Dartmouth. A 4-year program in 5 years. Don't ask. I don't want to tell you lies and I don't want to repeat myself. Yes. Super senior. Now shut the fuck up. I'm hoping the Ivy League name will erase some of that shame. Then again, who the fack knows Dartmouth?
Many emotional ups and downs. Of course.
Lived the last term at Dartmouth with Dexter. That was definitely an experience. What a tease that experience was. I lived on my own (kind of) for 3 months. I wouldn't say it was liberating but it has definitely taught me more about living on my own than any of the last 4 years away from home at school. Working to make the rent. Grabbing hours left and right for grocery money. Spending wisely (or better attempts at doing so) so I can pay other bills. BUGS. I really fucking hate bugs. I hate NATURE bugs. City bugs I can deal with. Get some spray. Set some traps things. Keep the abode clean. But out in the F'ing boonies, bugs come no matter what. I can't even open a window when I'm cooking because that will attract a torrent of flies hoping to infect me with some grimy bacterial crap. And Spiders. Yes. Spiders with a capital S. NASTY shits. Man built shelter to keep nature at bay. New Hampshire didn't get that damn memo. I miss driving around "town" in my Corolla though. That baby is no longer mine. But it finally has NY plates for once in its life. Congrats, 'Rolla!
I turned 23. I've gotten to the point where I don't remember how old I am and I have to actually do that math to remember. This is rather sad. And while I love my girls, I needs me a man. I don't want to get old (like 30...yuck...so close now) and not have started a family. Do I want to starting popping out the first of my brood next week? No. Not that soon. But I need to get the prep stuff down. You know, the boyfriend...the engagement...the marriage...That stuff.
O yes. I need to get that PhD, too. I want to get started on that soonish. Not too too soon. I need a break from learning. And I also need to do research on what I need to do to get into some kind of program. I also need to know what program I want to get into. Hahaha! At the very least, I'm pretty sure I want to eventually work with children/youth and families. Counseling. I can definitely do that with an MSW but I want that PhD. I couldn't get through premed for med school but I WILL be a doctor, damnit!!! Plus I want the options (and the money...just to support my habits...you know, the spending and the spending without the stressing and stressing) that comes with a PhD.
So yes. That's it for now I think. My memory is terrible and I should update this and/or xanga so I can remember things that has happened. I just have to remember to update...
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